Letting Go...

The people who truly know me know that I have a really hard time letting go. Not so much of material things like that pair of cargo pants from 1997 that I was determined to fit my ass back into; I finally gave those to the Goodwill a couple of years ago. (I did fit back into them, but by that time they were completely out of style...) No, I'm referring to the people in my life that I hold onto based on what we once were to each other, and not what we are now. I think I hold on because I hope that eventually these relationships will fulfill me like they once did. It took me a very long time to realize that this is not the case. People change, grow; move on.

At the beginning of the year, something happened with one of my friends that forced a change in me. Our friendship had been on the decline for years, but I kept holding on even though I couldn't even relate to this person anymore. We had history together, we were friends in high school - never mind the fact that she was nothing like the person she used to be back then. The friendship ended in a fit of anger, but the relief I felt at finally being able to let go was cathartic. I felt free. I also experience the realization that I don't have to hold on to unhealthy relationships just because 'once upon a time' we were really great friends. Since then I have cut ties with several people whom I've felt to be toxic to me. I have culled the herd around me and now make it a point to only surround myself with healthy and interactive relationships -whether they be online or in real life - if there is no mutually satisfying give and take then I let them go. I want to be fully liberated and freed of all of the crap I carry around inside of me.

So this morning I emailed my high school tormentor. I have known that this girl was on Facebook for quite some time, but just ignored it. This girl made my life a living hell my sophomore year, so much so that I missed so much school trying to avoid her that I got expelled. The pain and the humiliation I suffered because of her has faded over time, but I have never forgotten it. I needed to confront her on it because I don't think she realized just how much damage she'd caused; or maybe she did and just didn't care - maybe she still won't. I don't expect anything in return, I just needed to get it off of my chest once and for all. I needed to let go of all of these things I've been holding on to for the past 24 years. I cried for the girl I was and the things I'd experienced, but the tears were also of joy for finally being able to let it go.

I hope this is a continuing trend; a sign of another life lesson mastered. I've become so much more aware of my time and a desire to fill it with quality interactions. I want to feel satisfied with my relationships; not burdened or strained. Life is much too short to waste on people who suck the life force out of you...