Being Bipolar

Here is the definition of Bipolar Disorder according to Wikipedia: "Bipolar Disorder - or Manic-Depressive disorder - is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. These episodes are usually separated by periods of 'normal' mood"

I was diagnosed with Bipolar II in July of 2000 at the age of 29. (Bipolar II is categorized by severe depressive episodes and hypomania.) I've probably been Bipolar since puberty but I'm sure my mood swings and what-not were explained away as me being 'moody'. I have memories of being so depressed I slept weeks of my life away; as well as periods of time I can now identify as giddy manic episodes. I've never been hospitalized but can recall two specific times in my life when I really should have been. Doctors have always thrown antidepressants at me and sent me on my way; something I now know only made things worse. (Antidepressants given without a mood stabilizer - such as Lithium - can actually cause a Bipolar person to go manic. When I was put on Prozac, I was manic for a year straight.)

My Bipolar disorder kicked into high gear following the death of my brother and mom. I went into a rapid cycle phase; which meant I cycled back and forth from mania to depression; sometimes within the same hour. My behavior was erratic and a few people became concerned. My primary care physician referred me to a psychiatrist; and this began a very important (and extremely painful) phase in my life. I went into his office completely trusting him to take my broken soul and make it whole again - and came out an advocate for being in control of your own health and well-being.

My doctor was an arrogant prick. He diagnosed me in less than four visits and immediately put me on Lithium. Since an uncomfortable symptom of my mania is acute paranoia, he also added an anti-psychotic called Zyprexa. He told me the side effects I could expect were weight gain, increased thirst and a tremor. I experienced weight gain, increased thirst, and a tremor. I also had difficulty swallowing, mental confusion, memory issues, choking fits, vertigo, headaches, nightmares, hallucinations and panic attacks. When I asked the doctor about THOSE symptoms; he told me to 'slow down' when I eat and that I must have a previously undiagnosed panic disorder. For the record - I've NEVER had any issues with panic/anxiety prior to getting on the Lithium and Zyprexa. He increased both medications and sent me on my way.

Looking to exchange information and communicate with other people like me, I signed up with an online community. I started going to my doctors appointments armed with questions based on things I'd read. My doctor told me to 'stop researching' my disorder because it 'fueled' my paranoia. I did no such thing. I read everything I could. I found people who were experiencing the same things I was. I found out the reason you needed your blood tested while on Lithium is because if you get too much in your body it can kill you. (He told me it was to make sure I was at an 'optimal' level.) I kept reading and learning, but I also continued to trust him. After all, he was a doctor and my health and well-being were his priority, right?

In August of 2000, I had just started a new job and was getting ready to start school. I had gained an astonishing 30 lbs in one month and my hands shook constantly. I struggled at my job because of the 'brain fog' but I was DETERMINED to get my life back on track. I woke up one morning not feeling right. My heart was racing, my legs were jello. I felt frantic, panicked. I tried to ignore it. I got in my car and drove to work. I resisted the urge to stop my car in the middle of the road and run. As soon as I got to work, I called my shrink in a panic. He told me to calm down, I was 'just' having a panic attack. It got worse. I went home from work that day and never went back.

The next six weeks are a blur of panic, mental anguish and being completely stoned on Klonopin - an anti-anxiety drug. My shrink finally relented to my demands to get off of Lithium and put me on Depakote: I put on 20 more lbs and half of my hair fell out. I switched from Zyprexa to Seroquel and traded the hallucinations for always feeling hot. (Seroquel effects your bodies internal thermometer so you are never at a consistent temperature. I suspect that this drug is the reason my Thyroid no longer functions.) I finally fired my shrink and found a new one. She was wonderful, but then she quit to raise a family so I found another shrink. And then another one. And another...

I spent the next six years trying to get my life back on track. Every new doctor meant a new regime of medications and side effects. At my worst I was 55 lbs overweight with a rash on my neck, thinning hair and psychological damage that could not be seen. Tears and rips in the fabric of my soul and everything that made me human. I walked around feeling like a zombie, a husk with no meat in it. I even had a doctor tell me that this was the 'desired' effect because numb meant no depression, no mania.

In 2006, I decided that I have had enough. I quit taking EVERY drug. At the time I was on Lamictal (the mood stabilizer) Wellbutrin, (an anti-depressant) and a birth control pill. I quit that too - I figured I'd let my body heal itself and that included my hormones. It took about a year but finally I started to have feeling again - like when you put a rubberband too tightly on your finger then when you take it off, your finger tingles and hurts but eventually it feels like your finger again. That was my soul.

I am not defined by my Bipolar disorder, nor do I try to contain or restrain it. Through cognitive behavioral therapy (the route I sincerely wish I would have taken FIRST) I have learned a level of self-awareness that some people probably never achieve. I know when hypomania is coming on. I know what to expect, what route it will take; the things I will feel and the things I will do. I channel my impulses into writing so I don't act out. When I hit a depressive cycle, I ride it out - I enjoy the gentle melancholy that circles around me like a blanket. I enjoy it because I FEEL it. It makes me feel alive. I write poetry, I take walks; I nap if I have to. I don't fight it - I let it be what it is, because it is a PART of who I am. I am not ashamed of it, nor am I embarrassed by it. My Bipolar disorder adds a new dimension to how I experience the world. I will never, ever try to slay the dragon again - now that I have learned how to co-habitate with it. I have found that maintaing a healthy lifestyle (diet, exercise and vitamins) helps; as does keeping my environment as stable as possible.

I feel I am very lucky that I can function this way; there are a lot of people who cannot function without the medications, but I also know that there are a LOT of people who are way over-medicated. I know people who use their Bipolar disorder as an excuse or a crutch. I know people with Bipolar disorder who deny they even have Bipolar disorder. Those are their lives to live, and their roads to travel, and their demons to tame. My journey is mine and I do not judge others on how they manage their burden. I've just learned how to embrace mine.