I've come to a realization lately that hurts my heart. I am who I am. To deny my true essence is to lie to myself and become something I am not. It's not my issue if someone else is uncomfortable with the way that I am. I am not broken, there is nothing wrong with me. I am a very passionate and sensual person who enjoys living right on the deliciously wicked edge. I've always been that way - and if I can reignite what has been extinguished then I hope to continue to be that way. I miss the way it feels to unfurl and completely take flight; unafraid to fly while holding nothing back...
I'm truly conflicted inside, and I sometimes doubt the validity of my anguish. However, pain is pain - no matter what the cause - and that makes it worth exploring. It began as a kernel of doubt; an irritating sprinkle of sand that I began to mull over. I silently ran it around inside of my head, until it formed into a pearl of wisdom: a concrete conclusion. I tested the way it felt in my thoughts and on my tongue, finally spoke the words out loud. I'm beginning to feel more and more certain of the conclusions I have come to - but I still cannot decide which road to take. Be true to the real me, or the me I have created.
It would be a lot easier if this place didn't already feel so familiar. I've been here before, and it breaks my heart to be here again. What lesson did I miss? How could I have ignored the signs that were telling me that this road would end the very same way? Why did I allow my heart to take the lead? I'm crouched down inside of myself, wrapped in a ball of indecision. So tired of moving and yet craving movement; so afraid of disruption and yet desiring a change. I straddle two possible worlds and eventually I will have to chose one and leap.
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